Why Parents Should Never Ever Count to Three

It’s a sound that’s about as common in grocery stores as the beeping scanners.

“James,” a frazzled mom might say. “Put the gum back on the shelf.”  Then, seeing him clench the Big Red even more tightly, she adds, “One…  two… three….”

As James reluctantly stuffs the gum back into the display – just as the last vowel sound of “e” rolls off her tongue -- the victorious mom feels vindicated and manages to get out of the store without buying the gum or having a meltdown in the checkout aisle…  everyone wins in this situation, right?

Okay, I admit it.  I didn’t learn of this peculiar parenting technique while doing my weekly shopping for organic strawberries. I actually used to be a “counter” myself.

However, as a society of parents, we need to re-think this whole strategy, for four main reasons:

1.  Delayed Obedience is Disobedience

When you ask your child to do something – or stop doing something – he must respect the timing of the request as equally as the request.  Every second he knows that he is supposed to be doing something and is refusing to do it is wrong, and creates in him a habit of disobedience.

If you’re counting to three, you’re not only giving your child the option of disobedience, you are inadvertently encouraging it.

2. It’s Not Necessary

If kids can obey at “three,” they can obey at the original request.  (Yes, even your kid.) 

A basic law of human nature is that we go as far as we possibly can without fear of punishment. 

Don’t believe me?  Here’s proof.

When you were driving down the interstate on your last trip to Grandma’s, how quickly did you drive?  My guess is that you were driving around five miles per hour over the speed limit.  Some of you were driving nine.  Probably almost none of you were driving eleven over.  Why?  We parents – like our toddlers – know how far we can go beyond the rules before the smokies turn on the blue lights.  But imagine for a second if all state troopers suddenly started pulling us over for going 71 in a 70 zone?  How would that affect your driving?  Obviously, you’d immediate re-adjust to the tighter controls knowing that you didn’t have as much leeway.

In other words, if little Jimmy can physically put the gum back on the shelf after his mom counts, he is also capable of putting it back after she simply asks.  It’s all a matter of how much disobedience the parent allows.

3. Parents Invariably Give in – the “Fraction Principle”

Okay, there’s a dirty little secret of the one, two, three strategy.  Since I’m a former “counter,” I’ll go ahead and say that there were many times I got to three and then started begging.  Not always and not frequently.  But sometimes, after I stuck as many fractions between two and three as I could possibly manage (“two…  two and three quarters… two and four fifths…two and nineteen twentieths… three!”), I’d simply present my command again.  Maybe I’d do it more forcibly, but I’d just let the “three” land with an impotent thud and re-negotiate the terms. 

“Billy,” the mom might remind the kid in our imagined scenario, “I said to put the gum back.”  Then, she might try to reason by explanations, “We don’t need any,” or “You have braces,” or “We’re about to eat lunch,” or “the last time you chewed gum, I had to give you a mohawk after it got stuck in your hair!”

And after this happens once, the kid knows two things.  When Mom asks me to do something, I don’t necessarily have to do it.  Also, when Mom asks me to do something and counts to three, I don’t necessarily have to do it then either.

4.  It’s Dangerous

Every parent has to – at some time or another – command their kid to do something which required immediate obedience.  Whether it’s yelling “don’t move!” when she gets too close to that wasp nest or “stop!” before she runs out into the busy street.  Allowing your kid to always be in control of how quickly – or whether – she obeys puts them at risk when the seconds count. 

So how do we break the habit of counting to three?

First, sit down with your child and explain that mom and dad are changing their policy.

Second, clearly explain what’s expected before you get into the moment.  Basically, instead of counting, the kid will be expected to obey immediately. 

Third, be consistent and back it up.  Your kids will be able to readjust to the new system, but you must discipline them for not obeying.  (In other words, whatever effective discipline you would use after you got to three, just use it after he ignores your request.)

Lastly, realize that the goal is not to raise obedient autobots who do your bidding.  Part of growing up is questioning authority, wondering about the right way to do things, and developing your own sense of what is right and wrong.  It’s great for kids to have the freedom to talk to their parents constructively about a request they believe is unfair.  The way we handle this in our house is that we’ve told the kids that they can question us about absolutely anything.  But they earn that right by obeying first and quickly. Only later, can they come to us to plead their case.

Who knows?  They might be right.

After all, I was wrong about this counting business.