Facing Facebook

Our Raindrop is usually a place where SixSeeds contributors share ideas about service projects, great family movies, or the latest gadgets for kids.  (Or, how to escape the latest gadgets-for-kids craze!) Sometimes a conversation takes off when a topic seems so relevant to our lives. That's what happened this week. In case you missed the conversation, you can catch our contributors Facing-off over Facebook below...

Ruth Malhotra said…

Facing Facebook

I’ve always been a big fan of Facebook, ever since I first joined the social network in 2004 (back when it was for college students only).  What started out for me as an avenue to reconnect with high school friends and coordinate study groups with college classmates has now become of one of my primary tools for personal communication and professional networking. 

Yes, over the past 7 years, Facebook has not only grown to more than 600 million active users worldwide, it has also considerably improved its format and capabilities.  Over forty percent of Americans now have a Facebook account.

This rapid growth and development has led to tremendous research and analysis, and – yes – handwringing -- into the impact of Facebook. Experts blame it for everything from project procrastination to marriage breakups.  But is all this analysis accurate?  Is the harsh criticism warranted?

Here at SixSeeds, maybe it's time we examine our own use of Facebook, and whether it is good or bad for our lives.

What do y'all think?  

Jill Joiner said…

Re: Facing Facebook

It’s true that Facebook gets a great deal of criticism, and it’s a topic I’ve been thinking about a lot lately.  I don’t even have my own Facebook account, and yet I’ve found myself wasting hours while checking in through my husband’s account, reading about my friends’ lives.  And so, I decided to take a break from it.

I recently came across this article by Libby Copeland, titled, "The Anti-Social Network,” where she argues that by helping other people look happy, Facebook is actually making us sad and contributing to much larger problems:

Facebook is, after all, characterized by the very public curation of one's assets in the form of friends, photos, biographical data, accomplishments, pithy observations, even the books we say we like. Look, we have baked beautiful cookies. We are playing with a new puppy. We are smiling in pictures (or, if we are moody, we are artfully moody.) Blandness will not do, and with some exceptions, sad stuff doesn't make the cut, either. The site's very design—the presence of a "Like" button, without a corresponding "Hate" button—reinforces a kind of upbeat spin doctoring. (No one will "Like" your update that the new puppy died, but they may "Like" your report that the little guy was brave up until the end.)

Any parent who has posted photos and videos of her child on Facebook is keenly aware of the resulting disconnect from reality, the way chronicling parenthood this way creates a story line of delightfully misspoken words, adorably worn hats, dancing, blown kisses. Tearful falls and tantrums are rarely recorded, nor are the stretches of pure, mind-blowing tedium. We protect ourselves, and our kids, this way; happiness is impersonal in a way that pain is not. But in the process, we wind up contributing to the illusion that kids are all joy, no effort. Facebook is "like being in a play. You make a character," one teenager tells MIT professor Sherry Turkle in her new book on technology, Alone Together.

So, is Facebook the problem, or is it exposing something deeper?

David French said…

Re: Facing Facebook

I'm a Facebook flip-flopper.  I joined in 2008 because my fellow officers in 2/3 ACR (my unit in Iraq) convinced me that, "This is the way we'll keep in touch after the deployment!"  So I joined, I dabbled, and I hated it.  I hated the inane status updates, I felt that the pages were a bit too much like temples to the self, and -- I have to face facts -- I sometimes just enjoy being contrarian.  So I deactivated my account, in the most public fashion possible.

Nine months later, I came crawling back.  Or maybe I should say that I came roaring back.  I've got my own Facebook page (friend me!), and Nancy and I have a fan page ("like" us!), and I'm such a relentless poster that some of my college friends want to block me from their pages.  If you're trying to get ideas into the public square, Facebook is simply indispensable.  

I think of Facebook as "you on steroids."  It's not that everything is awesome on Facebook, it's that your salient personal characteristics are magnified.  If you read my Facebook page, you'd think that basically all I do is write, think about the culture, and obsess over science fiction.  (Wait a minute . . . isn't that basically all I do?)  If you're into sports, your page is sports-dominated.  The party-goers have albums dominated by glassy eyes and lifted glasses, where you can almost here the "whoooo!" coming from the pictures.  The "moms" talk incessantly about their kids, even more than they do in real life (if that's possible), and the "playas" are running online "game" on their entire friends list.  

But what if the "you" that you love is someone that you'll later be ashamed of?  Maybe Mark Zuckerberg can make his next $10 billion by creating the Turlington's Lower Back Tattoo Remover of the Internet, a data-scrubber that will take the "whoooo!" out of your past and replace it with stock photos of you in the library, reading Sartre.  

Jean Yih Kingston said…

Re: Facing Facebook

This is a terrific conversation. I went thru a phase of investing some time in Facebook, but have recently taken a step back.  After hearing a sermon series at my church about meaningful and deep friendship, I realized the amount of time I spent on Facebook was not nearly as important as the one-on-one time of investing in the friends who are in my life (who actually are there  with me, experiencing joy, pain, sorrow... all the real stuff). 

The facade we show on Facebook is truly that and Jill's post really hits the nail on the head -- how real can you be on Facebook?  And with so little time on my hands, is updating my Facebook status the thing I want to do? 

These days, I'm thinking not. 

John Wunderli said…

Re: Facing Facebook

I don't have a Facebook account and never have, but I feel compelled to at least comment on Libby Copeland's criticism of chronicling cute kid stuff as "contributing to the illusion that kids are all joy, no effort." I think Copeland's getting off track there by criticizing the posting of good things as being somehow imbalanced or inaccurate.  Anyone who actually has kids already knows that raising them is mostly hard work, punctuated by occasional moments of joy.  I would have no interest in reliving tantrums or tedium in an effort to give the good times some context, and assume others are the same, so I'll start with the premise that Copeland is not suggesting that people need to post lots of boring and unpleasant stuff on Facebook in order to make it more "real".  That just seems ridiculous to me. 

Putting the posting of one's life for all to see aside, the core question raised by Copeland is whether people should attempt to selectively capture and save life's good stuff in a fixed medium or whether that's just turning your life into an illusion.  To that question I must reluctantly answer "yes, you should selectively capture and save life's good stuff." I say "reluctantly" because I've been notoriously resistant to my wife's attempts to take pictures and/or video of family events.  "Can't we just live this and enjoy it in real time?" "These pictures seem so forced and contrived" -- I think to myself (and in moments of weakness actually say out loud).  But my wife is right to persist and I'm wrong to resist. The proof of that becomes clear every time we watch a slide show or video that she's sunk hours of time into.  Those presentations essentially mine hours, days, weeks, and years of tedium and difficulty and extract precious nuggets of joy -- the very things that make the hard work worth it.   Good editing is key, I must say.  At the end of the day, I don't want to watch something that's "real" in the sense that it actually mimics the ratio of good to bad in everyday life -- I experience that ratio all the time.  I want something that's "real" in the sense that it captures the things about life that make life worth living.

Here's my bottom line evaluation about Facebook, which I don't even participate in, so take it with a grain of salt: To the extent it allows people to mine good things in life and share with close family and friends, it's a good thing; to the extent it encourages people to share banal, self-indulgent things to people they barely know, it's a bad thing.

Nancy French said…

Re: Facing Facebook

Um...  you would have no interest in re-living tantrums or tedium like this:

It Takes a Laptop: Parenting in the Age of Facebook

Naomi's tantrum was first documented on Facebook, actually.  I wonder if people do only put the good stuff up?

John Wunderli said…

Re: Facing Facebook

That's a great article.  I really appreciate the fact that it only took me a few minutes to experience the drama of a seven hour parenting event that happened within the stretch of weeks of marginally interesting moments.  That's just good, quality editing.  I also really appreciate that I'm not on Facebook and didn't feel compelled to follow that seven hour event and comment on it in real time.   

To each his own, I suppose.

As to whether people only put the good stuff up, my guess is that people for the most part only put up stuff that they think makes them look good.  I wouldn't expect or want anything different.

Rebecca Cusey said…

Re: Facing Facebook

Facebook is a cocktail party. You dress yourself up. You breeze in, share your charming stories and humorous tales, your headline happenings and broad, sweeping updates. You steer away from too much politics, too much religion, and too many struggles or sad stories. They’re not appropriate for cocktail parties. Maybe you meet someone you’d like to know better and you move that relationship into a deeper level to real friendship. Maybe you don’t.  Maybe you catch up with someone you would never have thought of if you hadn’t seen them.

True life is lived mostly outside of cocktail parties, but they’re still fun and useful things. People whose lives consist entirely of cocktail parties (and there is a tribe of such people in DC and also in LA) tend to be sad people. So do people who confuse Facebook for real life.

I just don’t see it as anything new. Human nature stays the same. Only technology changes.

Greg Whiteley said…

Re: Facing Facebook

I think family videos would be more interesting if they were more honest. Whether they are Facebook posts or family slideshows I agree with John Wunderli -- editing is key.  To simply portray real life as it really happened would be potentially tedious not to mention impossible.  But I do think your family and friends are better served by resisting the urge to sanitize.  I am convinced we are not aware of our very best moments.  

Perhaps Facebook would become more meaningful if what we chose to share was more meaningful. However, I agree with Rebecca in that I am not sure the platform is designed to promote meaningful contact. If the movie the Social Network has any truth in it we should not be surprised to find the creator of Facebook to be someone who simultaneously craves meaningful relationships but seems unable to have them.

Ruth Malhotra said…

Re: Facing Facebook

I hear this criticism all the time: Facebook feeds narcissism and leads to superegos with shallow relationships.  In 2010, Soraya Mehdizadeh (York University psychologist) conducted a survey titled, “Self-Presentation 2.0: Narcissism and Self-Esteem on Facebook.” The study defined narcissism as “a pervasive pattern of grandiosity, need for admiration and an exaggerated sense of self-importance,” and found that “Facebook offers a gateway for hundreds of shallow relationships and emotionally detached communication.”

Some of these “experts” go even further with their assessment of Facebook, and suggest that frequent facebooking indicates an excessive focus on outward appearance as a basis for self-worth.  In a new study, “Contingencies of Self-Worth and Social-Networking-Site Behavior,” Michael Stefanone (University at Buffalo researcher) found that females who base their self worth on their appearance tend to share more photos online and maintain larger networks on online social networking sites.  He says the results suggest that females identify more strongly with their image and appearance, and use Facebook as a platform to compete for attention. The study also found that people whose self-worth is based on more private contingencies such as academic competence, family love and support, and being a virtuous and moral person, spend less time online than their more attention seeking peers.

I take issue with both of these criticisms and I’ll admit that I am particularly annoyed by such studies.  As someone who has nearly exhausted my “friend” limit on Facebook, and to date posted hundreds of albums and shared literally thousands of photos, one of my friends emailed me the Stefanone study with the subject line “you’ve been outed.” I calmly responded after I regained my composure, “Maybe we spend more time online because we are actually advancing ideas we believe in, and maybe we have larger social networks because we are truly outgoing in real life. And maybe – just maybe – we post lots of pictures because we simply enjoy sharing memories and recounting exciting experiences with others.”

I know it's troubling to see women – particularly young girls – post inappropriate pictures of themselves for all to see, that is part of a much deeper problem and must be addressed as such.  Many people – especially millennials – utilize Facebook to raise awareness and draw attention to causes and ideas much bigger than themselves.

As for the idea that Facebook leads to “shallow relationships” and “emotionally detached communication” – well, only if we let it monopolize our time and energy to the exclusion of good old-fashion in-person interaction.  Like Rebecca said, People whose lives consist entirely of cocktail parties -- or those who confuse Facebook for real life -- tend to be sad people.  If we understand its place and recognize that social networking is only one aspect of interaction, we can be free to utilize it in a positive manner and reap many rewards. 

Oh and one more thing:  I can’t tell y’all how many times my seemingly random Facebook updates have directly led to useful connections and meaningful personal interaction with other individuals, often at the spur of the moment.  I’m sure many of you have similar stories of events and encounters that never would have come about if it wasn’t for the power of social networking combined with communications technology.  Anyone care to share such a story?  

Nancy French said…

Re: Facing Facebook

I was sitting in the Nashville airport on Monday, waiting for a delayed flight to Phoenix to arrive.  The flight, the people over the intercom assured us, would be completely full.

I heard a few groans, but we waited.  And waited. 

I pulled out my iPhone and searched the internet.  I opened my Facebook app and looked at my wall.

There, about five posts down, a man named Bonnie Cribs had posted this status update:

“Bonnie Cribbs is not a fan of full flights going to the west coast...or close to the west coast...or even to Memphis.”

I smiled at our mutual discomfort, even though I’d never posted a comment on his wall before.  Bonnie, I strained to remember, was a friend from Mid South Youth Camp in Henderson, Tennessee.  The last time I’d seen him was when I was twelve, wearing “jam” shorts, and being baptized in a swimming pool probably so filthy that it’s a good thing we don’t rely on the water to cleanse us.

I wrote a comment of commiseration under his posting:

“Me either... Waiting for a full flight from Nashville to Phoenix now!!”

Then, a few seconds later, I see that he posted:

“Coincidentally, me too….”

Of course, I’ve not seen Bonnie since I was twelve, and suddenly came to the realization he’d have no way to identify me even if we were sitting next to each other.  So, I returned:

“Bonnie! Where r u? Southwest? I’m by the place you line up... In denim jacket... Just spilled coffee on myself!”

He responded:

“I’m here but I don’t see you.”

I looked at his profile photo one more time and scanned the area.

“Are you wearing a yellow shirt?”

Then, he looked up, and we saw each other across the room, and smiled.  After twenty years, we were sitting right in the same area.  It was a rushed, sweet reunion -- he’s a Vice President of a company and was going to a conference and I told him I was a writer on assignment. We managed to visit some before our flight finally came!

Some people criticize Facebook because of how shallow the relationships are, how it doesn’t foster a real sense of community, how the digital connections are not even paper thin.  But, right there in the airport, what you might call a “shallow, distant” friendship manifested into something quite fun.  And you just don’t get too many of those unexpected moments in life to totally discount the technology that makes it possible.