Get the feedA Twilight Haters’ Survival Guide
Wednesday, Jun 23rd 2010
Now that Eclipse is going to be the talk about America’s watercoolers, what’s a Twilight hater to do?
Maybe you don’t have teenage girls in the house, and consequently haven’t watched “Twilight,” “New Moon,” or pre-purchased tickets for Eclipse. Maybe you are turned off by the very notion of a love triangle amongst a human, a vampire, and a werewolf. Or perhaps you are sick of stepping over the Twi-Hard fans at the movie theater who’ve been camping out to see the newest edition of the Stephanie Meyers’ blockbuster book adaptations. What’s a hater to do this week? SixSeeds is here with your Twilight Hater’s Survival Guide:
1. Get acquainted with the basic plot in case you run into those pesky Twi-Hards who claim you need to read the books before hating on them. All you need to know is that Bella Swan was a normal girl living a normal life… until she met a vampire and a werewolf. It’s the basic girl meets vampire story, with high school graduation angst thrown in for even more angsty fun.
2. Casually quote Stephen King’s interview with USA Today about Stephenie Meyer: "Both Rowling and Meyer, they're speaking directly to young people... The real difference is that Jo Rowling is a terrific writer and Stephenie Meyer can't write worth a darn. She's not very good." The downside to this is that you might be in the unenviable position of defending Pet Sematary. (If this happens, please go straight to 4.)
3. If the woman in your life drags you to the premiere, excuse yourself to the bathroom after the Kristen Stewart’s third vacant stare (which should be about 37 seconds into it), and slip into the A-Team.
4. Are you a feminist? Carmen Siering, an assistant professor of English and women & gender studies at Ball State University, says this book series is anti-woman. Why? It's "full of gender stereotypes—testosterone-driven male aggression, females who pine away over lost loves, boys who fix motorcycles and the girls who watch them.” Don’t mind girls watching guys fix motorcycles? Can't bring yourself to say "gender studies" without snickering? No matter. If you pretend to be morally outraged on the basis of gender, people will automatically assume you have principled reasons to hate the film other than because your tired of seeing the tee-shirts at Wal-Mart.
5. Pick a fight with the Twi-Hards by saying Harry Potter has a much weightier struggle than mere romance as he combats the villain who killed his parents. If you walk by someone discussing who’s hotter – Jacob or Edward – just say “Harry” and watch the fur fly.
6. Ask the Twi-Hard why the sunlight in Stephenie Meyer’s books makes makes the vampires sparkly instead of killing them… and then quietly walk away while they talk furiously amongst themselves.
7. Watch Jimmy Fallon’s hilarious spoof on Robert Pattison’s anti-World Cup musings:
Anyone going to the Eclipse premiere? (Other than, presumably, David French) Let us know what you think!
Enjoy more articles by the same author:
What the Shrek Happened to the Fairy Tale?
The Nashville Flood -- It Was a Dark and Stormy Night
My First Hitchhiking Experience
Nancy French
Nancy French is an author, commentator, and mother. Her next book, about the year her husband spent in Iraq is due out July 4, 2011. Connect with her on Facebook at www.facebook.com/NancyAndersonFrench and follow her on Twitter at https://twitter.com/nancyafrench.
Comments
by yvonne rinehart #
pretty funny, mary elizabeth my 17 year old says, "high five to Naney." unfortunately my 14 is slightly enamored, not overboard, regretfully it was the first over 300 page book she ever read. but she has read a lot of good books. maybe we should just let this storm ride out, and look at through g.k. chesterton's eyes, "good literature is a necessity, while fiction is a luxury."
by Monica Elias #
Very funny! I also know how much fun it was to be in the theater on opening night. Hope to do that again with Eclipse.
by Nancy French #
Okay, Monica -- we gotta get tickets! David asks what time we're leaving!
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Now that Eclipse is going to be the talk about America’s watercoolers, what’s a Twilight hater to do?
by Jean Yih Kingston #