What Your Kids Need to Know Before Playdates: An Anonymous Mom’s Confession

How do your kids act at other people’s houses?  Do you really know?

Here are ten ways to increase your chance for a second invitation!

“Elena skipped lunch because she had ballet. Do you mind fixing her a little snack?” my friend asked as her eight and ten year old kids jumped out of her minivan for a playdate with my kids.  “I just wasn’t sure she’d ask you.”

I stifled a laugh. Elena, with her ringlet curls, and her brother Luke, with his fistful of Legos,  are great kids, but their visits always require a grocery store run afterwards. In fact, they are usually in my kitchen within twenty minutes of arrival, telling me that they are hungry but really don’t like watermelon.

The fact that my friend thought her kids would hesitate sent a shudder of terror through me.

How do my kids act at other people’s houses? Do I incorrectly believe they know how to behave?

Scenes from the recent past flashed through my mind.  I’ve personally witnessed my kids spot their favorite fruit in a fruit bowl and ask for it. Plus, my daughter recently returned late from a friends’ house since the paper-mache piñatas they created hadn’t dried yet. Whose idea was that? I thought.  No mother would suggest that.

So, I sat down with my children and spelled out what might not be as obvious as I’d hoped.  And, in case you fear you may have been derelict in your own  child-raising duties,  I’m including them here for your convenience.

The Top Ten Ways to Be a Good Guest and Increase Your Chances of Being Invited Back:

1. Do not walk in the door asking for food. Your host wants to take care of you, but this is not a five-course meal. Treat it like a playdate. Wait until your host offers you a snack. Their kids are hungry, too. The snack will come.

2. When food finally arrives, no one wants to know what you think of it. Accept it graciously. Do not inform everyone that you eat it, but your brother doesn’t, or vice versa. If you think you are going to starve,  call me and I will come get you.

3. No matter how your friend’s house looks, do not, I repeat DO NOT tell the mama that the house is dirty. Everyone has different standards. Your job is to be perfectly polite and go with the flow. (Of course, this one reveals more about me than I would like it, too,.  Yes, it did happen to me, right before I finally gave up and told the child in question that the kitchen “might be dirty, but it was rude to say so!”).

4. Keep negative opinions to yourself. Feel free to compliment anything you like (in fact, compliment things, please!). You are a child. If you don’t like an activity or a food that you see in the house, truly, no one cares. The other family may love something that is strange to you (say, rutabagas, or soccer), but you can listen and learn about what they like.  Don’t ever  reveal something like “my dad thinks soccer is for European crybabies.”

5. If your friend’s parent promises something (a trip to the pool, homebaked cookies), do not bug them about it. They’re taking time out of their day to have you over. If something disrupts the plans, understand. Parents are people, too.

6. Parents do not invite you over to build a lemonade stand, or draw a mural, or make jewelry to sell door to door.  If you and your friend concoct an elaborate plan that will make his parents work, at least have your friend ask them. It is wisest for you, as the guest, not to lead the charge. Most likely, if your friend’s dad had wanted to spend the afternoon building a puppet stage, he would have brought the idea up before you even had time to think of it!

7. When you are coming overnight or for a special event, make every effort to have the things you need. You will forget your sunscreen, or your goggles, or even you bathing suit. If you can manage without (for example, you forgot your goggles), then do. If you can’t (you don’t have your suit), only then go to the parents.  But be polite and apologetic.

8. If you are offered more than one option, never ever suggest a third. Pick between your two choices, and say thank you for what you get.

9. Remember this family is not yours and that they have different rules. Try to honor and respect them. It may be fine to slide down the banister at our house, but not at theirs.  If your friend can’t see rated PG-13 movies, then don’t talk incessantly about the joys of Pirates of the Caribbean.

10. At the end of the playdate, offer to clean up the mess you made and thank the host family.

Of course, when I told my kids these guidelines, the three of them looked at me politely and – when they were certain I was finished – said, “Mom, we’re hungry…  can we have a snack?”

I’m hoping it meant they internalized my list and wanted to be full in case they were invited over to Elena’s and Luke’s.