Bullying. It Hasn't Gotten Better

“Come on guys, we’ve got fifteen minutes.”
 
My 7th grade science teacher had assigned our class an experiment with balls and ramps, and my lab group consisted of my three best friends.  We ended up chasing our careening ball more than we learned about ramps, and I encouraged my friends to focus on finishing the project.
 
Little did I know, my seven words would completely change the landscape of my friendships for the rest of middle school.  These “friends” turned against me.   By the next morning, word spread that I was “invisible,” and I sat alone in the dreaded social Petri dish called “the cafeteria.”
 
At home one afternoon, the phone rang.  
 
“Jean, it’s Ben.  I was wondering if you wanna go to the dance with me?”
 
My heart beat faster at the sound of the guy I’d had a crush on for months, but then I heard muffled snickering in the background.  I hung up the phone and slunk to my room and burrowed under the bedcovers.  How could the girls I used to have sleepovers with so quickly turn into enemies?  In "Lord of the Flies" devolving fashion, I almost expected some sacrificed animal to be left on my stoop.
 
They ignored me, except when they needed money.  Shamefully, I’d hand them change, hoping the coins would buy my way back into their good graces.  Instead, they giggled together in line and then paid for ice cream sandwiches with my Friday night babysitting money.
 
This caused me to think about what kind of person I was, and who I wanted to become.  I eventually found new friends, who weren’t nearly as “cool” as my old ones, but were altogether a kinder bunch.  Being bullied made me a much more empathetic person and a fan of the underdog.

Bullying hasn't gotten better, and is even harsher now due to technology. Texts, photos and emails can be sent to hundreds of people instantly – with devastating consequences for the victims.
 
Adolescent girl experts, Rachel Simmons (author of “Odd Girl Out” and creator of the recent PBS documentary “A Girl’s Life” - and Rosalind Wiseman (author of “Queen Bees and Wannabees” (from which the popular movie “Mean Girls” was created) and “Boys, Girls and Other Hazardous Materials”) say it’s happening everywhere and across time.  In “A Girl’s Life”, Rachel Simmons follows four girls facing a variety of adolescent issues including body image, gang violence, cyberbullying and academic achievement.  It’s fourteen year-old Libby whose experience was most like mine.  Her “friend group” turned against her by using remarkably cruel text messaging as their weapon.  She too found a new friendship group.

And horrifically, just last month, 15 year-old Phoebe Prince committed suicide on the heels of the relentless taunting (even throwing objects at her from cars) and cyberbullying she received by a group of peers at her high school in Massachusetts.  Even after her death, they continued their pursuit of Phoebe by posting mocking comments on Facebook.

Today with the abundance of books and training, our current cultural ethos of “political correctness” combined with parental awareness about bullying, the problem presents itself at startling rates.  Why aren’t we raising children that are more “evolved” about the impropriety of bullying?

This dynamic was described well in “Lord of the Flies” (1954 by William Golding, a book I read during my dreaded 7th grade year). With the absence of an adult leader, the behavior of a group of British schoolboys after their plane crashes on a deserted island devolved straight into chaos, savagery and eventually murder.  A stark reminder of the presence of evil among us (“Maybe there is a beast…maybe it’s only us”), the novel presents a cold picture of the dynamics of power, control and manipulation that occurs all too often right here in our schools.
 
Children feel enormous pressure to “fit in”.  And in middle school, where the pressure is greatest, they’re also going through embarrassing emotional and bodily changes.  You try looking “cool” when you’re five feet tall with size twelve feet, your voice is changing and acne has taken over your face.  Who doesn’t remember those awkward middle school years and isn’t relieved they’re behind them?
 
While navigating the pressures of adolescence, kids aren’t often concerned about who or what might be sacrificed when they’re seeking an advantage.  They’re naturally self-protective, using whatever power they may have, and trying to avoid the constant landmines at school.  In the pressure cooker, they can act downright “beastly”.

A recent article in the Boston Globe highlights this current and serious problem.  It ends with a story about 6th grade girls in Washington who posted a video on YouTube with a Hannah Montana song in the background about a student at their school – the title?  “Six Ways to Kill Piper.” 

Knowing that viciousness is not just someone else’s problem, parents need to be attuned to their children and their increasingly complicated social dynamics in the pre-adolescent years.  We need to encourage compassion and empathy from the very beginning (starting in preschool when socialization begins) – training our kids to think and act in compassionate ways years before they crash land inside the walls of middle school.
 
If we’re aware evil exists and rears its ugly head in frightening ways we can try and tackle the problem in the early stages, rather than try and catch up to it when the damage is already done.  Now is the time to arm our kids with moral fortitude and compassion.  Let’s prepare our kids to defeat the beast.
 
Here are a few ideas:
 
Set a good example inside the home.  Do we treat our spouse well?  Do we train our children to be polite to everyone they come in contact with?  Set the standard high for yourselves and your children. Social behaviors at home will be modeled in public.  If the children see and feel lots of empathy, they’ll become empathetic.  Also, make sure you treat people equally – whether they are rich or poor, powerful or (what the culture would call) insignificant.  Do you treat your waiter or waitress with respect?  Your kids will notice.
 
Actively show concern for friends and the community, by serving and volunteering in your area.  We can grow our own hearts for other people and show our children compassion and service for others by going out and doing something for others.  Just the other day, a group of my son’s friends visited a retirement home and spent the evening playing board games with them.  A week before, they attended an “elderly training session” where they learned facts and did exercises about what it’s like to be an older person.
 
Talk with and listen to your kids.  Make a point to find out what’s going on – who his/her friends are, who aren’t his/her friends and why.  “Car talk” is often a great place to start, so turn down the music. Because it’s informal and you’re not looking each other in the eye – it’s the most comfortable place to talk for many kids.  Listen to your kids with compassion for their difficult experiences.  Make your home the place they’d choose to go for all the important issues.

Moral and religious training.  It’s important for kids to have guidance for their lives other than “what they feel is right.”  Frequently during the heated pressure of group dynamics, kids will feel like doing things that – simply – aren’t good moral decisions.  Teaching your kids to adhere to a higher standard is vital to their behavioral, cultural, and spiritual development.

It’s a tough world out there.  Parents have a unique opportunity to use the difficulties of school to prepare their children for a lifetime of challenges.