Conan the Barbarian

With Arnold Schwarzenegger at the end of his political career and struggling with family issues, Hollywood has decided it’s time to update the role that made him a star. “Conan the Barbarian,” a loose remake of the swords, sorcery, and bad hair flick of 1982, releases today.

Conan is a happy-go-lucky tween running around his muddy village gleefully battling hordes of rival tribesmen and cutting their heads off. This idyllic life is brought to an abrupt end by the attack of Khalar Zym (Stephen Lang), a power-hungry warlord who seeks a magical mask that will enable him to conquer the hovels and crumbling castles of Hyboria. His creepy daughter, Marique (Rose McGowan), all forehead and razor-enhanced fingernails, acts as his sorceress.

Fast-forward ten years. Zym and Marique  seek their prize, traveling through the deserts and forests of Hyboria in a sailing ship mounted on a herd of elephants and pulled along by a miserable troop of slaves. Seems inefficient, what with horses and wagons available, but he’s a bad guy so he gets to travel in the style he chooses. Conan (Jason Momoa), now grown to muscle-bound, flowing-hair glory, pursues him in the hopes of avenging his murdered father.

Conan is a fighter, not a lover. He’s understandably upset when that high-born maiden (Rachel Nichols) becomes a necessary part of his quest and slows him down. He shows his displeasure by barking orders at her, calling her “woman,” and tying her up behind him on his horse. Once, in a hyperbolic display of male wish fulfillment, he shoves a rag in her mouth to get her to stop her incessant chattering.

Is there any surer way to a Hyborian woman’s heart?

Nobody would accuse the 1982 “Conan the Barbarian” starring Schwarzenegger of being an intellectual feast, but it did have a sort of unapologetic libertarian charm. A man needed only his muscles, his sword, and his courage to cut his way through the world. That Conan summed up his unique viewpoint in his iconic statement about what is best in life: “To crush your enemies, see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentation of their women.”

The 2011 Conan has a mission statement of his own: “I live. I love. I slay. I am content.”

Lacks punch, don’t you agree?

The entire movie lacks punch. Not literal punches, mind you. It’s mindlessly violent and incredibly bloody. Most of the budget was apparently expended on corn syrup and red dye, which makes a handy blood substitute. Blood squirts in the mud. Blood squirts against crumbling stone walls. Blood squirts in straw and water, on chainmail and leather and dirty tunics. It’s rated R for this reason and also for a sex scene that leaves little to the imagination although set in an uncomfortable and chilly-looking cave.

Part of the problem rests in the shockingly bad production values. With the director concentrating on the squirting properties of corn syrup, he forgot to pay attention to things like a fight scene that starts in the dead of night and resumes seconds later in bright daylight. It may be the fastest sunrise ever. The fantasy setting feels like a ride at a theme park which hasn’t been updated in twenty years. The 3D adds nothing to the experience. The characters are flat, the dialog downright stupid, the effects unimpressive. Momoa doesn’t carry the character of Conan or convince us there’s anything behind all that brawn.

But does it really matter, you ask. What about the fighting? There were moments of mediocre coolness, as when Conan battles sand zombies who spring from the desert floor. Mostly, however, the fights are brutal and confusing. I was often lost. Was it a good guy slammed against a rock so his brains squirted out? A bad guy impaled with a spear the size of a tree? All very entertaining, I’m sure, but who’s winning the battle?

Perhaps I’m the wrong demographic. Scratch that. I’m certainly the wrong demographic. I was often bored in the film and often driven to scoffing amusement. Judging by the snickers in the audience around me, I wasn’t the only one. This will be an excellent movie to mock in the style of Mystery Science Theater 3000.

If that’s what the makers were going for and if that’s what the audience expects going in, fine. There is nothing wrong with that, per say. But if anyone is expecting more for the price of a ticket, they will be disappointed.