Watching Your Wife on TV -- A Lament

“So what’s it like to be on TV?  Are you ever nervous?”

Since she’s become a best-selling author, I’ve seen my wife give sweet and humorous responses to many questions. But, an even more interesting one is, “What’s going through your husband’s mind when he is watching you on TV?”  

Frankly, I’ve been a little overshadowed since her books started selling like hotcakes.  So I decided to take a moment to share some thoughts…  some of my thoughts… while watching her appear recently on the Today Show.  

She was there to promote her brand-new book “The Male Factor: The Unwritten Rules, Misperceptions, and Secret Beliefs of Men in the Workplace” (Broadway Books - Random House) It’s based on a nationwide survey and confidential interviews with thousands of men (whose anonymity was guaranteed) which took place over seven years. It reveals the private thoughts and attitudes men rarely disclose about what they commonly think about women in the workplace – and ways that women can use this knowledge to increase their effectiveness in the male-dominated (or male-led) workplace..

Even before the book was out, Shaunti began traveling the country speaking about the findings of this book, which have sometimes been quite controversial.  For example, she discusses how men, with rare exception, view almost any emotional display as a sign that a woman can no longer think clearly. She also talks about how certain types of trendy attire may actually sabotage a woman’s career.  Plus, she talks about the little-known signals which ensure a man’s perception of a strong female colleague is positive (“assertive and competent”) instead of negative (“difficult”).

Many women are indignant at some of the findings, and think, “why should I modify my behavior to accommodate men?”  Others realize that regardless of whether they agree with the men or not, this knowledge is a gold mine for those who want the secrets to being perceived well.

And it may have been this bit of controversy that caused the Today Show to decide to invite Shaunti on to launch of the book on January 15.

I was excited for her.  And since I’d seen her do so many television interviews in the past, I wasn’t even nervous about how she’d perform.  But the day before she flew to New York, the Today Show producers had a suggestion that would change her normal interview format.  They wanted to bring in an independent male TV personality, Donnie Deutsch, who lives and breathes "business" because of his CNBC talk show "The Big Idea with Donnie Deutsch." He was to candidly offer his perspective and let the viewers hear out loud the same things Shaunti heard privately during her research. 

So on the morning of the Today Show I’m suddenly nervous for my wife.  I know that she’ll be great, but I don’t know how the other participants will react to her.  Will they be interested and engaged?  Will the man do what he agreed to do (essentially corroborate Shaunti’s findings)?  Or will they be contrary and dismissive? Will people watch this show and go out and buy the book (hey, the mortgage has to get paid somehow)?  Will this show be a springboard for other national shows?  

It lasted almost seven minutes.  Meredith Vieira was the host.  Shaunti was her typical self—talking about the book and its controversial findings in an appealing and confident manner.  The man, however suddenly seemed bent on refuting much of Shaunti’s research and didn’t open up with any private thoughts as a man.

As a husband, I watched the interview and I was so frustrated.  There’s just something in me that makes me want to jump in and defend my wife – a person who’s quite capable of defending herself.  I wondered what other people would think of this segment?  Was I too invested in this to see it clearly?

Fortunately, in this technical day and age, I didn’t have to wait too long to have that question answered.  By the time I got to my office, the input was pouring in. A buddy from law school wrote me the following email:

Shaunti gets 7 minutes to make a few critical points relating to her well-documented research, and this guy just throws out random (mostly off-topic) thoughts based on his "vast experience having managed thousands of people."   

I just wish Shaunti had been able to say, "Meredith, you see how he keeps dismissing my years of research and talking over me as if everything he has to say is automatically more important?  You will find that sort of behavior documented in my book."

Shaunti laughed when I shared this with her, and basically said, "Oh well, with both of us on the set, the producers gave me around 7 minutes in front of the camera, while without him, I'd have only gotten around 3."

And suddenly, instead of anxiety, I began to realize how amazing it was to have just watched my wife -- the mother of two beautiful little children whose been married to me for 15 years yet still digs me – on a national television show.  That’s when, instead of frustration, I simply felt thankful.

She has that effect on me.  I guess that’s why I – along with all of her readers – can always learn a thing or two from her about having the right attitude.

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