My Three Sons

Please tell us about yourself — your location, job, etc!

I live in Newport, Rhode Island, and have been a public high school English teacher for the last 21 years.  I have been married to Don Farias since 1994; though we’ve been together since 1986.  We have three beautiful boys—Oscar, age six; Edgar, age five; and August, who is now sixteen months old.  We formed our family through adoption, and the journey that brought us all together has truly been one of the most profound experiences of our lives. 

When/why did you decide to adopt?

I think I have had adoption on my mind since I was roughly 12 years old.  I was watching television with my grandmother one afternoon, and the subject of adoption came up.  I told her then that I thought I might one day like to adopt.  She, never one to mince words and in her inimitable way, responded by saying that the world had enough people, and that adoption is the only thing that made sense!  The seed was without a doubt planted. 

When my now-husband Don and I had been dating a number of years, we talked about having a family, but honestly thought for a very long time that we would be one of those sophisticated couples who opted to travel, read, go to shows and museums, and take classes rather than parent.  One day we were on one of our “sophisticated dates”—the movies, to see Babe, the film about a talking pig.  Sophistication was obviously out the window.  As the credits rolled, the name “Oscar Farias” appeared.  My husband, whose last name is Farias, said, “Hey, if we ever have a son, could we name him Oscar?”  And that was, in effect, that. 

Not long after that, we contacted our adoption agency and began our journey.

Do you have any biological children?

We do not.  We made a conscious decision after adopting our first son that we no longer desired to entertain that as an option.

Whom did you adopt, and from where?

We adopted domestically, in our own state of Rhode Island.  Our agency is called Children’s Friend and Service, a nonprofit as well as Rhode Island’s oldest adoption agency. We can’t say enough about the dedication of every worker with whom we have interacted; and, of course, our personal worker, Lisa Granda, who is, in my opinion, unparalleled in her eye for detail and her compassion and understanding.  She is, as much as our children, one of our family.

What were their names, and did you rename them? Why, or why not?

Each of our three sons has his own story regarding naming.  Oscar was named in our hearts before we even realized ourselves that we were meant to be parents.  His birthmother did opt to give him a name at birth but seemed to sense that we would change it.  Edgar, who is just a year younger than his brother, was not named by his birthparents.  Edgar’s foster family, who cared for him for the first nine weeks of his life, called him “Caleb.”  We chose to name him Edgar because of the connection it has—in sound and meaning—to Oscar; and we figured that this would be just one additional way to connect two boys who were destined to be brothers.  August’s situation was a bit more complicated as his birthmother had a very particular name in mind and was hoping we would choose to use it.  We honored her feelings by choosing the middle name she liked but resolutely held on to our wish to name him August, meaning loved and revered.  We weathered two false starts and waited nearly two-and-a-half years for August, and we knew his name needed to reflect the depth of our commitment to his finding his family and our finding him.  And since both Oscar and Edgar were born in August, and August was born in June, we thought it might be another way to make a connection—not to mention inspire a little confusion--among brothers. 

What has been the most surprising aspect of adoption?

I think the most surprising aspect of adoption, for me, is the fact that through the journey you truly do learn what is most important to you, who you are, and what you value—everything I thought I already knew before we even began.  We adopted our oldest son when I was 36 years old; and I honestly believed that I knew myself about as well as anyone could know oneself.  Adoption taught me that that couldn’t be further from the truth.  Most of the rules that had moved me from a painful and tumultuous childhood into a productive and happy adulthood seemed not to apply in the realm of adoption.  I could no longer control a single thing, no longer plan.  My “hard work” was no longer enough.  I had to let go and give in—and once I got used to this way of interacting with the world, it truly was one of the most freeing lessons of my life. 

What has been the most disappointing?

“Disappointing” is a near-impossible word to contemplate when I look at my three children.  And though there have certainly been “disappointments” along the way—a foster child that we were asked to adopt ten years ago but who was returned suddenly and unexpectedly to his birth family; a baby girl who was slated to come home to us three years ago but wound up going elsewhere; and the time almost two years ago when I was in the delivery room to witness the birth of a baby we thought would be our third son but whose birthmother wound up having a change of heart.  We learned much from each of these disappointments undoubtedly because each led us to our children. 

We have also very occasionally been disappointed by the public’s well-meaning but unfortunately phrased comments regarding our family, comments that typically include the word “real”: Will their real mother want them back? Do you know anything about their real brothers and sisters?   And recently, because our youngest son’s birthfather is Mexican, we have had to field questions and comments regarding his ethnicity.  In all honesty, though, these are the exceptions and by no means the rule.  Most people are sensitive, thoughtfully curious, and one hundred percent supportive, loving, and nonjudgmental.  

What has been the most gratifying?

The most gratifying aspect of our adoption journey is, of course, seeing through to fruition the arrival of each of our sons.  Further, it has been enormously gratifying to learn that in life, if you have faith—no matter what your faith may be—that things work out exactly the way they’re supposed to. 

Did any organization or agency really help you get through the process, financially, emotionally, or otherwise?

The efforts of our adoption agency on our behalf are too many to list.  The work that they do for our community is as invaluable as the support they offered to us personally.  In terms of financial help, our agency, as a nonprofit, does not charge exorbitant fees; they are affordable and reasonable and commensurate with the extent of the services rendered.  Of course, our friends and family, colleagues and neighbors, and fellow adoptive parents were there and ready to listen at every juncture.  We feel very fortunate that we had and continue to have an unfailing support system. 

What advice would you give people who are considering adoption?

There is a song by a group called .38 Special that is almost as old as I am.  It’s called “Hold on Loosely.”  There is a passage in the song that says, “Hold on loosely,/But don’t let go./If you cling too tightly,/You’re gonna lose control.”  The song, of course, is about romantic relationships; but the sentiment aptly applies during the throes of your adoption journey—not to mention your life as a parent.  Many people who are considering adoption are used to “running the show,” as it were.  What adoption teaches you is that so very much of life is beyond our control.  You will find your child, and your child will find you—not without work, but without force.  Effect the changes you can, and let go of those you can’t.  In the end, when you look back on it all, you’ll understand why things happened the way they did.  Take comfort in that because challenges are inevitable, and the only thing you can control is how you react to them. 

There are many inspirational quotes about adoption, but this one continues to resonate with me:  Joan McNamara, who is an adoptive parent, writes, “It has been said that adoption is more like a marriage than a birth: two (or more) individuals, each with their own unique mix of needs, patterns, and genetic history, coming together with love, hope, and commitment for a joint future. You become a family not because you share the same genes, but because you share love for each other."

Here’s to love, hope, and commitment in all its forms.

Read more on Samantha's blog,  My Three Sons.

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