Beth’s Adoption Blog: Pampers and Pakhlava

The QUESTIONS FOR BLOGGERS: 

Please tell us about yourself — your location, job, etc!

I am a stay-at-home mamma-wanna-be. I’m a blogger on Wanderlust and Lipstick, a women’s travel website. My blog, ‘Pampers and Pakhlava,’ and it’s about my journey to adopt from Armenia at fifty-something.

I also blog about food and travel because I can’t always write about adoption. On occasion I pick up contract editing work and I’m currently trying to get more of my writing published.

Seattle is my home town; my husband and I live in an old (circa 1898), tiny house we have affectionately dubbed, ‘The Urban Cabin.’ I have a second blog about our home remodel that we undertook to prepare for the pitter-patter of little feet. Gardening, cooking, writing and photography are my passions.

My husband (whom I refer to as ‘Big Papa’ in my blog) and I met late in life: I am 51-years-old and he is 46. This is the first marriage for us both and neither of us had biological children. I think that aspect of our relationship, and how it impacts our adoption, is somewhat unique as first-time adoptive parents. I recently read an article that talked about “older” adoptive parents and most of the contributors were in their late 30s to mid-40s.

When/why did you decide to adopt? 

We talked about adopting when we were dating. Big Papa’s two siblings are adopted as is my (now 12-years-old) niece. Plus, since we were older, pregnancy the old-fashioned way was pretty much out of the question.

Donor egg IVF was an option we considered, but in the end adoption was the path we chose. I feel proud about being adoptive parents and the contribution we make to the world by offering a home to a child who needs one.

Do you have any biological children? 

No, though we do have one 15-year-old cat who is stuck in the terrible twos!

Whom are you adopting, and from where? 

We are adopting an infant under a year from Armenia. We said we were open to adopting either a boy or a girl, under 18 months of age, on our dossier. Because we are still “in waiting” to bring our child home, I’m not able to divulge specifics or share a picture.

When are you hoping to have your child home?

Hopefully we’ll be parents early in 2011. We started our adoption process in 2008; our dossier was sent to Armenia in February 2009. Armenia is a Hague Convention adoption country and while this means that the guidelines our country and their country have put into place help ensure that the best interests of the children come first and our child is not trafficked, there is additional paperwork, bureaucracy and time involved in seeing a Hague adoption through to completion. Armenia requires two trips: one after receiving a referral where the family meets and “registers” (formally accepts) the child and a second trip 4-6 months later for court and homecoming.

What is your biggest apprehension about the process?

Managing all the stress is something we worried about and has proven to be the most challenging. It’s a costly process and the wait and unknowns have taken a toll on us individually and as a couple. We have also had a few experiences, along the way, that added significant stress such as losing a referral earlier in 2010.

Tackling parenting as a 50-something is another element of our adoption I have had concerns about, even though I am very active and energetic. The impact to our relationship is another concern I’ve had.

International adoption is in a constant state of flux. We started our adoption journey just as Hague Convention was being implemented in the U.S. and in Armenia. There have been several delays, uncertainties and frustrations that we can attribute to the newness of Hague and international adoption.

What has been the most surprising aspect of the process? 

Difficulty and confusion involved in navigating government systems (U.S. and Armenia); unexpected losses that occurred along the way; and, the emotional toll of the wait and the stress we’ve felt over the past two years.

When we started down this path, we knew the journey might be long, but assumed international adoption was a sure thing. However, there have been several points when we weren’t sure it would happen and when we questioned whether we wanted to continue.

My sister adopted from China twelve years ago and her experience was dramatically different. Nine months of waiting, one trip: everything was fairly predictable and straight-forward. Our adoption process has been anything but. However, having seen several families come home with their children and hearing their joy in parenthood, I am certain we will feel the same when our time comes.

Another surprise has been how isolated I’ve felt in general from the typical experience of making a family. I have amazing friends and have developed a community of adoptive moms through my agency, but as a whole, our society – while much more accepting of adoptive families than ever before – still marginalizes adoptive families. Once, when I tried to register to become a member of a local mom’s group, I had to fill out an online questionnaire where I was asked to enter my due date and how many children I was expecting or currently had. There were drop-down boxes for quadruplets but no box marked ‘other’ or ‘adoption’ boxes to check.

I also find that people outside the adoptive community do not understand why it takes so long and aren’t aware of everything that prospective adoptive parents have to go through to bring home a child. People seem to think you fill out some paperwork, wait a few months and – voila – parenthood. While I know one or two stories where the adoption happened quickly (generally domestic adoption), overall very long waits, immense amounts of paperwork, uncertainty, and changes to process are the norm for international adoption.

Have you and your spouse always been on the same page about wanting to adopt?  (If not, what changed?)  How did you tell your other children (if applicable) and families?

I met Big Papa late in life (me: 46 when we met and 48 when we got married), and we knew we probably couldn’t’ have biological children. Between the two of us, I was more assertive in pushing the process along. Big Papa was on the fence about having kids, no matter how we came about having them. It wasn’t so much that he felt uncomfortable with adoption, but rather he didn’t know if he wanted to have children at all.

The two of us are very lucky; we come from an extraordinarily adoption-friendly family. Big Papa’s two siblings are adopted (one from Germany and one domestically, in the 1950s) and my sister adopted a daughter from China twelve years ago. That said, we are both the last biological links in each of our families, so there is some loss associated with that.

I think the biggest challenge for us is that we are older first-time parents. Even though I like to think I’m fit and hip, the truth is that I will frequently be the oldest mom at the sandbox.

Another hurdle for us has been adopting from a country that many people know very little about. We aren’t likely to run into other families who have adopted from Armenia at the grocery store in the same way I see families with children from China or Ethiopia, for example.

Is any organization or agency helping you to get through the process, financially, emotionally, or otherwise? 

We are very grateful for my husband’s job! The U.S. also offers an adoption tax credit, but that reimbursement will cover only a small portion of the fees we have paid and there is some question if that tax credit will even be available in 2011.

Emotionally, I am very grateful for an online chat group that our agency offers to families who are adopting. What a tremendous support these families have been! I count several women I have met through that group as close friends even though we’ve yet to meet in person. Our agency also hosts an annual reunion which is a great opportunity for us and for our child to meet other families with children from the same country and sometimes even the same orphanage.

Locally, I joined a neighborhood mom’s group that hosts a monthly “Mom’s Night Out.” Even though I’m still a mom only in theory, it’s been wonderful to meet neighbor mamas and develop a network that will be needed once we become a family. I also participate in another group, ‘Mamas with cameras.’ Like the neighborhood mom’s group, I’ve really enjoy our monthly meetings and the opportunity to connect with amazing creative mamas.

My blog has been invaluable to me during this process. Writing is so cathartic and seeing that my thoughts and experiences resonate with others has been rewarding.

I’d also like to thank my gym for the spin classes I take? Those workouts have been essential to my sanity!

My question: Is there anything you’d like to share about your child’s heritage/country/adoption story?

Many people don’t know where Armenia is located! It’s a small country (about the size of Connecticut) in the Caucasus region of the world. Armenia shares borders with Turkey to the west, Iran to the south, Azerbaijan to the east and Soviet Georgia to the north. Armenia is twelve time zones from the west coast of the U.S.!

Armenia was the first country in the world to adopt Christianity as its national religion. In fact, it is believed that Noah’s ark landed on Mt. Ararat which was once inside the border of Armenia.

Armenian food is delicious: Dolmas, shish kebab, bakhlava, abundant fruits such as apricot and pomegranate, hummus, lavash bread, Armenian pizza and amazing ice cream are among the diverse foods popular in the country.

What is one message about adoption that you’d like to leave?

Adoptive families are real families. I’ve been asked if I have “children of my own” or if I will know details about my child’s “real family.”

Every adoptee their own unique story, which includes a birth family, but staying up late at night, changing diapers, calming fears, soothing a sick child, helping with homework, motivating, encouraging, and supporting a child for a lifetime is what defines a real family, not biology.

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