Adoption: The Rytting Family

Paul and I (Irene) live in Salt Lake City, UT.  My husband is an attorney for the LDS Church.  He is the Director of Risk Management.  I am a homemaker and work very hard raising our family.  My husband interests are hiking, biking, reading, playing guitar & just always seems busy in good things.  I enjoy cooking, sewing, reading, water sports, cabins, mountains & walking.  We enjoy a good marriage of 30 yrs.  We love being together and with our family. 

When Paul and I married 30 yrs ago it became apparent quite quickly that getting a baby here was going to be difficult.  We always wanted a large family and were anxious to get going.  After 2 yrs of infertility we hesitantly looked at adoption.  Adoption had never entered either of our minds we just thought babies would come quickly and easily.  Well, were we wrong!!!   We were lead to our first adoption through a kind church leader who was also a Family Practitioner.  He knew our eagerness to start a family and ask us if we had ever thought of adopting.  We were hesitant at first but slowly grew fond of the idea.  This kind Doctor called us late in June one year, he ask if we would be interested in trying parenting.  By July1st we held our first child Matthew.  He also gave us a 2^nd child, a beautiful girl Rachel 2 ½ yrs later.  What a way to start and the cost was minimal!!

Well this experience warmed us up quickly to the world of adoption.  We went on to adopt 6 more children.  The names of our children are Matt (27), Rachel (24), Davis (24), Jordan (22), Angela (19), Hannah (16), James (12) and Lizzy (10).  2 in-laws and a grandson have joined us.   We received each child at birth.  We love their birth mothers dearly and hope someday they may know them if that is their desire.  Each child has their own beautiful and exciting story about how they made their way to our family.  If I took the time to write each of their stories you would have 8 short stories to read.  We named each of our children.  Some of them were named by their birth mothers but it was never required of us to keep that name.  We love family names so many of them carry our family names.  We talk openly about their birth families and especially their mothers.  I have always told the children if I can love more than one child they certainly can love more than one mother.  I do not feel in competition with their birth families.  I only feel a great deal of gratitude that they would trust us with their child.  I told an anxious birth mother once that I was not there to steal her child.  I was there to give her child a home with a mother, father and siblings.  Birth mothers should only place their children if they want to.  They should not be forced unless the law requires it.  

The reason we have adopted 8 children is because we simply wanted a family.  We didn’t want to save the world or provide some special life for an underprivileged child.  We just wanted children in our home and these children have done more for us that we have done for them.  We function well inside the home (probably like most families).  But when we are outside the home there are many looks and questions.  We love talking to people about our beautiful family and try to be gracious to all we meet.  We have never been belittled, criticized or put down for our decision to adopt - people are more curious than negative.  Many people have never been around a family like ours – we enjoy helping others understand the world of adoption.

Our children were born in the United States.  We have worked with our Church adoption agency, used other agencies as well as private adoptions.  We learned the ropes to adoption and now my husband represents adopting families on the side.  He has a good understanding of the process and is empathetic to birth families and adoptive families.  I have spent many hours visiting with other adoptive parents as they walk through the process of adoption and raising their children.  I have also helped a few birth mothers when they decide to place their child.  I have seen and felt their pain as they relinquished their rights and make the heartbreaking decision to walk away from the opportunity to mother and nurture the child.  I had the tender opportunity to hold a sobbing birth mother after the adoptive family left with her child.  We cried together as she realized the magnitude of her decision.  These feelings and emotions are real and I feel grateful I was able to see it close up.  I treasure the moments I have spent with my children’s birth mothers.  I have felt we were kindred spirits and shared a common love.  It also gives me the opportunity to talk to my children about their mothers.

Our greatest support system has been our families and our neighborhood.  Our families have embraced our children as their own.  It was difficult for our grandparents but they warmed up after watching them grow up.  We have people of different races in our home on a regular basis.  It helps our children understand that there are all types of people with great lives.  At times our African American children feel lonely.  We live in a community of white faces – there is not much diversity in Utah.  As the children come accept themselves as a child of God they realize they have a beautiful and exciting life ahead.  As they struggle about their identity, they become frustrated and live life with no direction.  I try to help them see many people of different ethnic backgrounds that have been successful and happy in their life despite challenges.  I put articles on the refrigerator about people who have overcome adversity in their lives.  The children need to know they are not alone in their differences of race, adoption, or trials.   Our schools have been positive with our children.  They have accommodated their needs and helped them be successful.

The most surprising aspect of adoption for me has been how I have changed as a person.  I view all people differently since I have known my children.  I love all different kinds of people and realize they every person on earth has something good to offer.  When I am in the presence of people from different walks of life I am always uplifted and learn something new.  Many wonderful people have touched my life in a beautiful way because we choose to adopt our family. 

There will always be disappointment and difficulty in life whether or not you have children, adopted or naturally born.  As a mother I had to pass through a period of grieving the children I would never be able to bear.  Old feelings crop up here and there and I shed tears about the life I thought I would have.  Adopted children have those same feelings.  They grieve never knowing their birth families.  They wonder where they got their beautiful eyes, funny looking noses, short legs, hot tempers, love for music and gentle demeanors.  They wonder what their life would have been like if they had stayed with their birth families.  We all need safe relationships where these topics can be discussed without hurting each other.  It takes a lifetime to master these relationships.  Hopefully we can always learn from mistakes and not carry too many regrets as we walk the journey of life.  I have had to change many times in my life as I learn new ways to love my family.

Some of the most gratifying experiences in adoption have been:

• Watching my oldest son hold his own new baby boy who looks just like him (it was the first time anyone in our family looked like someone in the family). 
• Holding a child and letting them cry when they thought they could not live one more minute yet they found the strength to press forward. 
• Sitting in the living room all together laughing about family memories.  Looking at family scrapbooks and being stunned that this whole adoption thing has worked out so well.  
• Having a daughter kiss her daddy’s cheek and whispering to him, “you are my hero”. 
• Laughing when a doctor asks if my African American child has my same last name (and wondering if I am the mother). 
• Watching a child discover a talent like violin, singing, dancing, art, auto mechanics, beading or piano and becoming very good at it. 
• Having a little hand touch mine and hearing the word “Mommy”. 

My advice to anyone who is thinking about adopting is:

• Trust your feelings and never be talked into anything you don’t feel good about.  When you are in the thick of raising your children you never want to question your decision. 
• Open your heart and home to new adventures.  It may not be easy but you will learn new things about yourself you never knew.  Don’t lock yourself into one way of thinking.  Be open and remember you can always say “no”.  
• Don’t get too tripped up by all the paperwork and money.  Most families wouldn’t think twice about buying a new car.  What better way to spend your money than on a child. 
• Also adoption is not for everyone.  Don’t feel bad if you decide it’s not for you. 
• You will hear many stories on adoption.  It is okay if your story is different.  Remember it is your story.  
• There is a good chance you may feel you are going insane waiting for your baby or child to come.  Be patient, you want the right child for your family.

I read an article about a family that took many children through adoption.  Their advice was if you want to live a safe life then adoption is not for you.  If you want a life of adventure, change, growth, hard work with tremendous disappointment and rewards greater then you ever dreamed, then consider opening your home to children through adoption.  I feel grateful to know and love my husband and children.  The process of adoption has given us an opportunity to raise a family!

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