Adoption: The Secrest Family

Please tell us about yourself — your location, job, etc!

Stacy Secrest:      We are a couple that never does anything slowly.     We met and married in 2002 in Central Florida.     Jonathan was an analyst for our local power company.     Stacy was a Registered Nurse taking assignments all over the country.    (Meeting Jonathan when I did was the best thing that ever happened to me.   If we had met even a month earlier, you probably wouldn’t be reading this story today.)   As a young couple our lives were very fast and free.    We were able to get out of debt and buy anything we really wanted or needed, thanks to our careers.    It seemed the only thing we couldn’t have were children.     The plan for our lives took a big turn when Jonathan entered seminary to become a pastor.    Our faith never waivered, but we did become discouraged about not having a family.    Timing is everything.    School is hard enough to do as an adult couple.    God knew that James was to be our 1^st child and we didn’t learn of him until the last year of seminary.   I was working full-time supporting us during this time.    We would not have been able to remain debt free if one was in school full-time and one was at home with a child.

Now we are a family of eight, living in the upstate of South Carolina, struggling through what it means to really be a family, thankful for the good times and praying through the bad.   

When/why did you decide to adopt?  

Jonathan Secrest: We had decided from the beginning of our marriage that we wanted a big family that is 5 or 6 children perhaps.     It was in our heads that we would need to adopt in addition to natural childbirth in aiming for that number.    So from the start we were interested and intrigued by the possibility of adoption.     However, it became all the more of an immediate subject when we discovered through a long drawn out medical process that we were unable to conceive.     Therefore, adoption was something that we began thinking about more and more.    I would like to say that it was a smooth and peaceful process but it wasn’t.     It is a cold hard fact that there is never the precise perfect time to adopt.     There will always be something quite understandable and legitimate that will have you forestalling or postponing the decision for adoption.    During seminary we kept thinking that there was simply no way we could afford to adopt.    Stacy was the more aggressive one of us that wanted to take the risks by the horns and I (Jonathan) was the more pessimistic and cautious.     In my mind the doors must all be open down the pathway before I put my foot through the very first one.    Fortunately, the Lord just doesn’t work that way.   Remember, when the Israelites crossed the Jordan River entering the Promised Land the Lord had the priests at the very front of the line who carried the Ark of the Covenant place their feet completely in the water and moving forward before He then started to part the River for the people.    In the same way, moving into an adoption is similar in that you see obstacles and financial hurdles and substantial fears staring you in the face and you have to trustingly put one foot in front of the other all the while that your safety-minded senses are telling you to step backward.    

During the beginning of our last year of seminary Stacy received a call from her mother in Jacksonville, FL who had a friend at her church who was a foster mom with a new baby boy.    Stacy was invited to come visit the foster home and meet this little boy who at that time was about 6 months old and Stacy promptly fell for him.    In mentioning him to me I was initially very hostile to the idea.    It wasn’t the right time, we didn’t have enough money saved up, and fundamentally did we have what it took to take this big a leap?     I eventually agreed to go up and visit them and sure enough this dogged little boy who was to eventually become our son James crawled his way into my heart as well.   

After that we entered into a tortuous process of fits and starts in which we interacted with the Department of Children and Families in Florida in attempt to qualify to be in a position to adopt this little boy.     The process stretched into the late spring of 2008 when it became obvious that we would have to be leaving the state to move to South Carolina for my (Jonathan) new job as a youth pastor in a Presbyterian church in Greenwood.     This put us in a hard situation with adopting James because of complications in across state lines adoption; however, the great day came when James was finally pronounced ours in October of 2008!

During our training process in South Carolina it was heavily impressed upon us the plight of siblings being torn apart in the adoption process.    The younger children (4 or under) tend to get adopted at a decent rate but those that are older tend to live out their childhood in foster homes or children’s homes.     The Department of Social Services in South Carolina tries very hard to keep sibling groups together because of the special bond they have and the psychological and emotional trauma it causes when that bond is severed.     We knew that we wanted more children than just James and therefore we were prayerfully considering a sibling group of perhaps 2 or maybe 3 at the most.      In the summer of 2009 we were invited to come to a license renewal workshop in which DSS set aside a conference room in with pictures and a short (admittedly idealized) description of the child or children that were available for adoption up on a screen for a few seconds at a time.    If one particular picture struck your interest than you had the opportunity to request follow-up information.    One particular picture cause both of us to sort of gasp in surprise at 5 children being shown.     We looked at each and just shook our heads at the predicament they would be in.    However, as the slides kept cycling through and we kept seeing these children we became more and more interested while all the while admitting what a crazy concept it would be to consider adopting 5 children at the same time.     Who in their right mind would be able to do that?     It was almost laughable.     But then we soon felt the sense of calling on our hearts that became progressively harder to ignore.    After praying a lot over it and seeking the advice of others we went forward.    After staying in our home as foster children these 5 siblings one year later to the day became our adopted children!

Do you have any biological children?

No, we do not.    We had desire to and attempted to but for some mysterious medical reason we have been unable to have biological children.    Shortly prior to the finalization of our sibling adoption, Stacy had an emergency hysterectomy.   So we will not be having natural biological children.

Whom did you adopt, and from where?

In October of 2008 we adopted James from the state of Florida.   He had been in Florida custody since childbirth.     We slowly obtained non-relative custodial status with him for about 6-8 months prior to the adoption.     He is now three and a half years old.

In July of 2010 we adopted a five sibling group.   Their names are Felicity (13), Jennifer (12), Nathan (9), Zoe (4) and Isabella (2).    This sibling group was in foster care with the Department of Social Services in South Carolina for about 2 years prior to their entering into a foster-to-adopt relationship with us.    After they had been with us for a year as foster children they were adopted legally into our family.   

What was their name, and did you rename them? Why or why not?

Yes, they all received new names.   We asked our older 3 if they wanted to keep their last name after adoption and just add ours to the end.   They then asked if they could change their first names.    We allowed the older ones to pick their own name subject to our approval.    That was fun!     The younger ones were all renamed by us.   The intent of this action on our part was really for reasons of marking of transition and identity.    With this name change (just like in a marriage union) the name change signifies or points to a very serious and powerful change in life status.

What has been the most surprising aspect of adoption?

Jonathan: My wife’s observation on this has been to note how much unexpected laughter we tend to encounter.     Being eight of us now in the house we bump up against each other a lot and there is very little of the precious commodity known as “personal space”.    Yet, the closeness yields itself to the process of a great degree of social interaction.    Consequently tempers can flare or laughter can be the name of the game.    We were really surprised at the amount of humor that we fall into or end up representing as a family.   

The other surprise which may be fairly common over time in most adoptions is the fact that the amount of love that we could “dispense” seemed to increase.    We went into the relationship thinking that you only had so much love so therefore what you have will simply be sliced thinner and be made to spread farther.    However, what surprised us was that we were given even more of a capacity to love strange children that over time become less and less strange and more and more dear to our hearts.      Was that process hard?   You bet!     We were and are constantly being revealed as selfish people who sometimes see our own children as impinging upon our “right to be FREE”.    But when you think about it that is probably a pretty normal pattern in a lot of parent’s hearts.    J

Stacy:   The fact that “someone” thought us to be worthy of parenting 6 children still amazes us.    We wanted a large family and we were unable to conceive.    In our adoption process we are able to see clearly the likeness of God’s adoption of His children to Him.

What has been the most disappointing?

Jonathan:   What has perhaps been the most disappointing has been the slowness of growth among our children in the area of learning or of growth in self-discipline.       We often wish (perhaps a little selfishly) that our children could show signs of being over achievers like the children of other families we know.     However, they really don’t.   

Stacy:   We feel that foster care has instilled in them the feeling of entitlement which we are trying very hard to overcome.    In trying to rebuild their self-esteem things were unrealistically promised to them that cannot be achieved.     

Jonathan:  With regards to stress in our lives our younger three children cause us the most physical stress while the older three cause us the most spiritual stress as they grow in the process of making decisions in their lives and sometimes poor decisions at that.     Often when one of our older children has made a poor decision we find ourselves caught in the dilemma of feeling shame because we wanted to look good as parents.     Therefore, sometime the selfish tendencies of our own hearts get prominently exposed by the lives of our children.

Stacy:   The most disappointing aspect of foster care adoption for me has been my own jealousy of someone who was not able to care for my children.     I am jealous of the birth mother that our oldest 3 kids remember.    They will always idealize her and hold her on a pedestal and remember her in a way that I will never be able to live up to because I am real and have many faults.     I know she will always be their mother, they will always love her and she them.    Just as there is room in my heart to love all my children more than live itself,  I look forward to the day that our kids will love us as unconditionally as they love their mother that could not care for them.

Another selfish reason for disappointment is that we don’t have any pictures more than 2 years old.    We have no baby pictures of our older kids, and very few of the younger ones.   James’ foster mom was very good about pictures.   She knew the importance it would be to him and to us to have the pictorial history prior  to us knowing him or him remembering.    Our older girls complain about not having pictures of themselves anytime that “pictures” are brought up in conversation.   

What has been the most gratifying?

Jonathan: The most gratifying thing is the privilege of seeing change in our kid’s lives.    The truth is that we don’t notice usually when it happens.   Usually, we have to be told about it or have it described to us by someone in our church or perhaps one of their teachers from school.    These people are in a position to see progress perhaps more easily than us because we simply can’t see the forest because we are face to face with the trees.    However, often a teacher will describe a story that illustrates a growing sense of maturity in one of our children and that will often make us tear up for joy at seeing our own children growing.

Stacy:   Our children were shy, quiet and afraid when they came to us.    They would not speak up in class, now you can’t get them to be quiet!   It makes us all (parents and teachers alike) smile to see how far they have grown in the past year surrounded by people that love them well at home, church and school.   

Did any organization or agency really help you get through the process, financially, emotionally, or otherwise?

Stacy:  Our first child came from Florida, the last five from South Carolina.    All from foster care.   Both states provided well for our children prior to our meeting them and after they came home to us.    There are aspects of each that we preferred over the other, but we are very thankful for the assistance that both states have provided to and for our children.    

Jonathan:  Our church family of Greenwood Presbyterian Church was of immense and well-thought out assistance in the process of becoming a new and enlarged family.   At first I think most of them thought we were a little nuts but loving us anyway they, as a church body, decided to wholly embrace and support our decision and the accompanying needs that came with it.    When the 5 siblings first arrived the families in the church organized themselves and provided meals for us every other night for the first 5 weeks!    That and other ways were used to encourage and refresh us.

Stacy:   Our families thought we were nuts too wanting to bring 5 kids home at the same time, especially at the ages of 1, 3, 7, 11, and 12 at that time.   But, when they saw the picture of our kids, they also started to fall in love with their grandkids, nieces, nephews, and cousins.

Stacy:   Our adoption specialist, Amanda, became very dear to all of us.   I would call her up in the middle of the day with problems the kids were having, and she could with a clear mind see where we all were and help guide us to an agreement or understanding or  an appropriate discipline for what had happened.

What advice would you give people who are considering adoption?

Jonathan:  I would say go into the preparation for adoption with an open mind to your own ability to mess up and not get everything right.     Adoptive children are just like any other children in their ability to demonstrate your failings and weaknesses as a parent.     Be prepared to be humbled more than you can imagine and be prepared to find more joy at the bottom of that experience than you would have expected.  

Stacy:    Remember that adoption takes time.   Just as Mom’s body has to grow and develop a fetus, you can’t say “I want a child” and have one the next day.    It is a long process and a lot of emotions go along with the timing.    There are good days and bad days for emotions and mindsets as you wait for the call that tells you about your child.   Then the emotional roller coaster really begins!

Jonathan:   Also cultivate a sense of humor to diffuse situations.   Purposefully plan family meetings even with little children in which there are family discussions as well as family games and funny stories etc.    Adoptive children just like any children thrive on the visual reminder that they are part of a real family.    

Jonathan:   Be prepared for the very real possibility that you may experience post-adoption depression or regrets.   This is fairly common and Stacy and I experienced it as a profound hardship and simply had to burn through it.     This is a similar dynamic as post-partum depression that some mothers experience after giving birth.    It is something that happens similarly with some some adoptive parents.   We all have expectations for life experiences and our reactions to them not following the script (so to speak) have a profound effect on our body, mind and soul.       If this is something you are meant to experience please remember that the proverbial “tunnel” is indeed designed to have light at the end of it even if you can’t see it upon entering it.

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