Adoptive Family -- Johnson

When you are unable to conceive a child, each month is enveloped with death. Except there is no period of mourning set aside for you, no warm embraces or attempts of comforting words rendered to you. No one offers you flowers, cooks you a meal, or sends you a card to console you. There is no gravestone to substantiate the tangibleness of your hurt, for there is nothing to bury but your hope. It is doubtful that most will notice the numbness behind your eyes. There will only be a precious few who validate your loss. Mostly, like all those in pain, you suffer in silence; your grief bound up deep within.

For nearly five years, my husband and I traveled down the dark road of infertility. Did I expertly learn to contort my face to reveal an expression of happiness each time a friend, a family member, or an acquaintance announced that a new life was being created within them when I wanted to weep for my own barrenness? Did I break down in the middle of a department store when I inadvertently wandered into the maternity section? Did I politely smile and mumble my gratitude when good intentioned people absurdly diagnosed the cause of my brokenness and then proceeded to cruelly prescribe medicine in the form of advice? Did I cry in the confessional over my heartbreak and my spiritual father's wise urgings to truly experience joy in another's pregnancy? Did I feel betrayed by God and my own body? Did I lament like a woman scorned and lash out in fury? Did I allow my body to be cut open, to be poked and prodded? Did I offer my my veins every month to be pried open and my life blood drained out as I stared at a florescent light glutted with dead bugs, silently praying for mercy? Absolutely.

Infertility, however, is just the beginning of Jared and Beth’s story. They agreed to answer some questions with SixSeeds about their journey so far!

Please tell us about yourself:

My husband, Jared, and I presently live in Davenport, Iowa. Though natives of this area, we did live in Chicago for nearly ten years and returned back to the Quad Cities just four years ago. Jared is employed as the Director of Marketing at the Quad City Symphony Orchestra and I am a stay-at-home mother, a role I assumed five years ago when our first son, Thomas, became a part of our family. Prior to that, I was employed at a private school for students with mental and physical disabilities. I have also recently started homeschooling Thomas.  Jared graduated from Wheaton College, Wheaton, IL, with a degree in Communications. I graduated from Moody Bible Institute in Chicago, IL, with a degree in Theology. I also have a M.A. in Theology from Wheaton College. Jared and I converted to the Eastern Orthodox Christian faith while living in Chicago in April of 2000. We presently attend an Antiochian Orthodox Church in Iowa City, IA, and are at the beginning stages of helping to build an Antiochian mission in Davenport. 

When/why did you decide to adopt?

Jared and I attempted to begin our family in 2000. After a year without conceiving, we visited our family practitioner who prescribed some hormonal medicine for me. After another six months without conceiving, our doctor referred me to a reproductive endocrinologist. We underwent standard, noninvasive fertility treatments for nearly nine months which culminated with a surgical procedure for me. Despite our doctor's hopes, I still never conceived and have what is ultimately unexplained infertility. Following some problems with the anesthesia during my surgery, Jared would tell you he decided it was time to look into adoption. He often jokes that his DNA was not worth risking my life over. What we wanted was a family and we probably began talking about adoption in earnest around June 2003. We were living in Chicago at this time and decided to work with Bethany Christian Services in early 2004. I will never forget that day in May 2004 when our social worker told us that it was alright to buy the crib because we would for sure have a child. I wanted to weep at her feet. We received our referral for Thomas in November 2004 and traveled in April 2005 to bring him home. In moving to Iowa, we had to switch agencies because Bethany did not have a Korea program for couples living in Iowa. It was at this point that we began to work with Holt. The twins' referral (what a surprise!) was in October 2007 and our family traveled back to Korea in March 2008 where, in addition to bringing home two more children, we were also able to let Thomas meet with his foster mother. In March of 2009, we began to fill out the paperwork for our next adoption. We planned to return to Korea and request a girl but in the midst of filling out the application I read There Is No Me Without You by Melissa Faye Greene. I wept through the first two chapters and experienced what I can only call a divine nudge to reconsider our plans. While I knew it was the right choice to cross Korea off our application and write Ethiopia in its place, it was difficult. I experienced guilt to my son's motherland and questioned my ability to incorporate yet another culture into our home. After talking with Jared, we decided to live with the decision for a month before telling anybody. We sent our application to Holt in June 2009 and began to tell family and friends of our decision to adopt from Ethiopia. We received our referral for Lucia in March 2010 and traveled in June, just one year after sending in our application–our fastest adoption to date.
 
Do you have any biological children?

No.

Whom did you adopt, and from where?

All of our sons, Thomas (age 6), and the twins, Russell and Elliot (age 3) were born in South Korea. Our daughter Lucia (age 1) was born in Ethiopia.
 
What was their name, and did you rename them? Why or why not?

Thomas' name was Jung-hyun; Russell's Jin-pyo; Elliot's Jin-seo; and Lucia's Ethiopia. It was important to us to maintain their names given at birth, even if they might have been names given to them by social workers in their native land and not their birthmothers. Thus, Thomas is Thomas Jung-hyun; Russell Matthew Jin-pyo; Elliot Andrew Jin-seo (Jared's cousin, Matthew Andrew, was involved in a fatal car accident the day after we received the referral for the twins so we decided to add his name as part of theirs.) Lucia's given name was Ethiopia and we added Kebedech, which was her birthmother's name, making her Lucia Ethiopia Kebedech.

As for the names we gave our children, we find it important to give them each Saint's names. Thus, Thomas is named for St. Thomas the Apostle. Russell is named for my uncle, and bears the name of St. Matthew the Evangelist. Elliot is a form of Elijah the prophet. Lucia is after St. Lucia of Sicily, who is also quite popular in my Swedish heritage. (Jared liked the fact that Lucy was the name of the oldest human remains which were found in Ethiopia.)
 
What has been the most surprising aspect of adoption?

We have been mostly surprised by the number of people who, after learning of how our family came together or seeing our family, have come up to us and shared that they were adopted or that they have grandchildren who were adopted. There really exists a large community of people who have come into their families through the gift of adoption. For example, I am part of a book club and of the five members, three of us are adoptive parents. Jared has at least two co-workers that have shared their own adoption story with him, where otherwise he would not have known them to be adopted.
 
What has been the most disappointing?

I would have to say the lack of communication that we have with our children's birthparents. Our only contact with our boys' early life is through the foster families with whom they lived until they joined our family. Yes, it is wonderful to have pictures of our boys while they were living in Korea and to have been able to meet and talk with the people who cared for them. Yet we do not know, and probably will not know for a long time, very much about birthparents. This was especially poignant after meeting our daughter's birthmother - to have met her, to have pictures of us with her, to be able to tell Lucia that she has her mother's eyes and fingers, is so heartbreakingly beautiful. And by comparison we have nothing for our boys. I envy friends who have open adoptions, whose birthmothers and fathers are present at significant events in the life of their child like birthdays, baptisms, etc. It would be amazing to share this with the people who gave my children life.
 
What has been the most gratifying?

Oh my goodness, the most gratifying, is certainly that out of our pain and despair was born our greatest joy. We simply cannot imagine our lives without our sons and daughter and marvel at the honor of being the parents of Thomas, Russell, Elliot, and Lucia. To quote from the above blog post: "Did my greatest joy, my children whose very existence is the breath of the divine upon my ordinary life, rise out of my pain? Yes. Yes. A thousand times yes. To you my children, Thomas Jung-hyun, Russell Matthew Jin-pyo, Elliot Andrew Jin-seo, and Lucia Ethiopia Kebedech, know that although you were not born from my body or nursed at my breasts, I am your mother, and I would choose the pain every single time to have you in my life. You are my heart."
 
Did any organization or agency really help you get through the process, financially, emotionally, or otherwise?

Our community of family and friends has just been amazing in this area. With Thomas' adoption, we hosted a huge yard sale at my parents' home and were able to raise $2000. With the twins, our friends approached us to do a trivia night fundraiser and this combined with several large donations from people we only knew casually amounted to about $2000. For Lucia's adoption, we had another crazy big yard sale and the sale combined with donations helped us raise close to $4000. We also received a grant from the James 1:27 foundation, started by an Iowa couple who had adopted from Ethiopia. The grant was for $2500.

Also, each month our church gives a donation to various agencies, like food pantries, homeless shelters, etc. We have received this donation for both Russell and Elliot's adoption and Lucia's- probably close to $200 each time. 
 
What advice would you give people who are considering adoption?

I think it is really crucial for people considering adoption to really make sure that the husband and wife are on the same page. For couples like us who have been through the trial of infertility, there is much to mourn because it is a tremendous loss. They should grieve but not wallow in it. I believe too, when adopting children of a different race and ethnicity, there is a lot of fear built into the process. I do not question the training on the potential difficulties that could and will probably emerge over time because of your family's make-up, but what I have learned over time is that while it is important to be actively aware of these issues and to actively attempt to bring your child's culture into your home so that it becomes a part of your family, much of the fear does subside once you become a family and develop a relationship with your child. For example, when we were in Korea for the first time, I truly felt like a colonizer of old, the white American coming in and taking a child from his homeland. But two years later when we returned as a family, the baby Jung-hyun had grown into the child I knew as Thomas. It was with pride that we rode the subway and walked around Seoul with our son in our arms. I was confident in my role as his mother even if every Korean person's visage mirrored his more than mine. Don't let the fear overwhelm you and just seek a good relationship full of open communication with your child.

And for the record, will you adopt again?

 We always said five, so likely yes. And while I am certainly in no place to "tell" God anything, I have related that I will adopt as many children as He will provide the means. We have exhausted all our funds and some of our family's, yet I am waiting for new surprising ways for our desire to be fulfilled. God never tires of pushing me a little further and I know He will provide for us.

I am always inspired by the story of Harry and Bertha Holt, the pioneers of international adoption who at the age of 50 adopted eight children from South Korea. While living, Bertha spoke about walking around her house and figuring out where people could be bedded and partitions put up to accommodate their children. I keep kidding Jared that eventually we will give up our bedroom and put kids in it and move down to the pull-out couch. After all, bedrooms are overrated.

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